Oh, the Trauma

Abuse can mess with your head. And a whole lot of other things.

This is me, back in 2022. I wish I could give this woman a hug and tell her it’s going to be okay. More than okay. It’s going to be amazing.

Several years into my marriage, something really strange started happening. Often, right after a traumatic event involving my husband, I would be crying, shaking, feeling all the things one feels when something extremely upsetting occurs — yet I couldn’t actually remember what had just happened. I could only remember how it had felt. And yes, this was every bit as scary as it sounds.

At first, I worried I was losing my mind, but as I paid more attention, I realized that my brain had began making the executive decision (without bothering to consult me! The nerve!) to simply scrub anything that had the potential to reduce me to the fetal position for the day and effectively prevent me from taking care of my kids. My brain, in other words, was helping me survive.

I investigated further and learned this was an actual thing. A thing with a name: dissociative amnesia. Here’s an AI overview:

This is when the mind blocks out important information about a traumatic experience to protect the person from distress. It's different from simply forgetting something, as the memories are usually still there but inaccessible.

Suddenly, it all made sense, and for me, it was one of my turning points — because… brain changes? Really? Brain changes were definitely not okay. Brain changes meant something was really wrong. My kids were still young and I couldn’t imagine ending the marriage at that point, but in the meantime, I started recording our arguments on my phone when I could, simply so that I would know what had even happened.

But that wasn’t the only surprise trauma had in store for me. Oh no. There was more to come. So much more. And much of it came as a surprise. I’m sharing it with you because 1, if it’s happening to you, I want you to know you’re not crazy, and 2, we don’t talk about this stuff enough. We treat trauma responses as if they’re shameful and embarrassing, and they shouldn’t be. Instead, they should be a sign that something bad is happening, to the point that your brain and body are struggling to cope. As I’m discovering now, once you’re out of the situation, trauma responses can also be a sign that healing is taking place, which is great but still tough to navigate. So let’s talk now about all the weird things that have happened to me as a result of trauma, shall we?