Sex, Lies, and Videotape
There were plenty of warning signs of abuse when I was still dating my ex-husband. I missed or ignored every single one of them.
As I’ve struggled to find words for this post, the image that’s come to mind over and over again is of the night I left my marriage. I know I’ve written about it before, but finally exiting that situation after so many years was such a pivotal moment for me. I really felt like I was saving my own life — but I also knew my ex-husband would make sure I paid dearly for leaving him. In the 45 minutes it took me to drive to my friend’s house after I left, I cycled through so many emotions: Terror. Disbelief. Anguish. Anxiety Relief. Determination. Courage. Hope.
What sticks with me most from that night as I write this particular post, though, is one of the very first thoughts that came to mind as I was driving away: He’ll never touch me again. In that moment, I remember feeling pure elation. My body was once again my own, after years of someone else basically taking possession of it with zero regard for my feelings or well-being.
Sexual abuse is an embarrassing and difficult topic, but as I’ve read and talked to other women about it, I’ve become convinced that it’s a huge problem in many abusive relationships — yet it’s almost never discussed. I’m hopeful that if I can share some of what I’ve been through, it will be helpful to other women out there who are experiencing it themselves and don’t feel like they have anyone to confide in.
And so? Here goes nothing.