This Information Completely Changed How I Handled Arguments with my Abusive Partner

Many abusers use something called the DARVO method when they're held accountable. Learning what it was and what to do when it happened helped me start reclaiming my life and my self-esteem.

In 2016, I began recording arguments with my husband on my iPhone. My reasons were simple — For one thing, he had a habit of saying or doing something upsetting during a conflict, then claiming afterward that it hadn’t happened or that I had actually said/done the upsetting thing, not him. Second, I was starting to have trouble remembering the incidents, even right after they happened. I later learned that this is called dissociative amnesia and I wrote about my experience with that in this post on trauma.

I am deeply grateful for those recordings now. Their existence turned what could have been a contentious divorce into one that was fairly smooth and uncontested. They were also a big part of what gave me the confidence I needed to write this newsletter, because I haven’t had to rely solely on my memories as I’ve written about what was happening — It’s all there, in the recordings (not to mention my journals), and there are a lot of them. But until fairly recently, I couldn’t listen to more than a few minutes of them at a time without dissolving in tears. They have a way of taking me right back into that moment, as if it’s all happening again.

I’ve finally reached the point now, though, where I’m able to listen with some objectivity and perspective, and because I want to be as accurate as possible as I share my experiences, I’m going back through them and correcting the auto-generated transcripts of each one. The process is slow, but it’s giving me so much insight into what was actually happening during our conflicts, and it makes sense now why I felt so crazy each time we argued. Every discussion felt like I was wandering through a labyrinth filled with dead-ends and landmines. Many of them start with me making a request or confronting him about something, and most of them end with me weeping and him leaving the room.

It wasn’t until I started seeing a therapist that I learned that what was happening during these conversations usually involved something called the DARVO method, which psychologists use to describe how abusers avoid taking accountability for their actions. Once I was able to identify DARVO in real time — and learn tips on how to counter it — I felt like I finally regained some control of myself, my emotions, and my life, so I’m excited to share all that information in this post. I’m also including a transcript of one of the audio recordings, so that you can see DARVO play out in real life. It’s not always as clear-cut as the method implies.